When I was single chores were not a problem.  If I didn’t do them, ehhh, didn’t bother me so much.  I was happy go lucky and care-free.  Now after getting married, chores were a very big deal.  If they weren’t done this was the difference between having a scoop of ice-cream and having time-out from bowling with the guys.  

 

I knew I wanted to make my wife happy.  Because when your wife is happy then even the middle-east can be happy.  You know that’s what started all the mess over there.  Some guy forgot to do the dishes and he blamed it on the guy across the way and then she threatened the guy and then his wife turn’s around yells back and pretty soon guns are being fired, bombs are being thrown, and the guys are looking around and they’re like, “Well it sure beats doing chores.”  (Well that’s what my dad said.)  Anyways… if I’m gonna be able to watch the game some chores better be done.  

 

As you may already know, my wife and I are comedians.  No really, that’s what we do for a living we fly around and tell jokes to people, and they pay us.  My wife is out of town doing a gig and I’m in town. (Hey check out our pictures, who would you book?)  I decide I’m going to do the laundry.  ‘Cause I love my wife.  I do the laundry.  Washer, dryer, fold, stack, and wait for the accolades.  Now the average guy would think wow, happy ending.  She comes home to find laundry done.  Hugs.  Kisses.  The mighty hero has triumphed!!!  WRONG!!!

 

Kerri, comes home.  I say, “Looked what I’ve done.”  I motion to the neatly stacked laundry.  She has a big smile on her face and looks down.  And suddenly, her face contorts into a crimson tomato that has just taken a bite out of a very sour lemon.  Smile gone and scowl in full command of her face.  A voice pours out of Kerri that is a chilling cross between, the wicked witch from the Wizard of Oz, and James Earl Jones who just stubbed his toe.  “You put this in the dryer!!!!”, she squawked in a creepy baritone as she ripped out a blouse from the middle of the pile and in the process toppled the whole thing.  “You do not put this in the dryer!!!!  You put oatmeal on the collar and you steam it in the shower for five hours!!!!  Then you drive around the block and hold it out the window making sure to turn in counterclockwise circles!!!”, she warbled.  “Then you put it in the closet and hang next a block of cedar wood from the north side of the forest!!!  And you let it sit, and you don’t touch again, never, never, ever, ever!!!”, belched the thing that a moment ago was that which completed me.  

 

Now as I sit here typing in “Double-Indefinite Time-Out” I say to you I love Kerri.  I love her so much, that from now on I will not do any more chores.  They are just too scary.